Forgiveness

As I lay here trying to fall asleep, a thought just crossed into my mind and it was forgiveness. I forgive my parents for always treating me like the Black sheep. I forgive them for making me seem like I was a loser because I chose to do things my way. I forgive them for telling others that I wasn’t shit. I forgive them for the extreme punishment they inflicted on us as kids. I forgive them for never seeing me as an adult. I forgive them for being domineering, controlling, & manipulative. I forgive them for comparing my son to his cousins & for acting like I wasn’t raising him properly. I forgive them for never acknowledging how far I have come in life & for always criticizing & degrading me. I forgive them for never acknowledging how they have been to me my entire life and for never apologizing to me & for dismissing when I told them the damage their treatment did to me. I forgive them for not allowing me to choose what schools I went to. I forgive them for only wanting us to obey & follow orders. I forgive my parents. I forgive my older siblings for never treating me like I was one of them when we were growing up. I forgive them for never setting my parents straight when they would say things about me. I forgive them for allowing the things my parents would say to influence how they viewed me as a person. I forgive them for not having that closeness with me then. I forgive them for not developing a close relationship with my son, their nephew. I forgive my siblings. I forgive the people who used to bully me for being a nerd & for having gap teeth, a lisp & a stutter. I forgive them for leaving me out & excluding me. I forgive them for only befriending me because they could get something out being friends with me. I forgive them for not accepting me for who I am and for not seeing the good that is me. I forgive them all. But not only that. I forgive the man who raped me at knifepoint although he had been my first everything. He didn’t accept or respect my no. He threatened my life and said he would kill me if I kept fighting him. I forgive him for the hell he had put me through up until that point with his cheating & abusive ways & with how he made me seem like I was the problem. I forgive him for his ultimate act of betrayal with how he raped me. His one act led to such a spiral in my life. His rape still haunts me to this day. I forgive him. I forgive the two men who ran a train on me & who raped me only to deny what they did & then to torture me by calling me a whore every time they would see me in the street. Their one act damaged me so badly. I still count every time I am in an uncomfortable situation to this day because of their one act. I forgive them. I forgive the police who treated me as if I was a suspect and had raped myself instead of acknowledging the courage it took for me to come forward with what had been done to me. I forgive them for releasing my rapists before I had even left the special victims unit and for sending me off with just a metro card. I forgive them. I forgive the man who verbally and physically abused me and who told me he was separated when that wasn’t the truth. I forgive him for that bruise he left on me & for the two abortions I had to have one where he didn’t accompany me. He used his age as a weapon over me. I forgive him for all of it. I forgive everyone who ever did me wrong & who treated me like a nobody. They never recognized the goodness in me. They never valued me. I forgive them all. Most of all I forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing the cloud to hang over me and for not letting it all go. I forgive myself for not finding Joy in my life & for living in the past. Instead of me seeing my struggles & the wrong that was done as something that motivated me & drove me to achieve what I have achieved in life, I allowed it to be a burden on me. I did it all despite my trials & tribulations. I choose to now see it as things I was meant to go through so that I could become who I am today & for what I have yet to accomplish in life. I forgive myself for not seeing this sooner. From this moment on, I am letting it all go. I am choosing to let go of the anger & the hurt & how I allow it to dictate how I see myself. I am instead choosing to live the best life I can have. A full life. A beautiful life. I am going to do it all. From this moment on, I choose joy.